Announcing Our LGBTQ End-Of-Life Guide Project Learn More!

Go right on ahead and make fun of the Twilight series, like you’re soooo above its childish vampyre love schmaltz.  I suppose you’re the type of person that doesn’t enjoy sex & death lessons for 13 year old girls wrapped in a package of mass consumerism.  So be it!  As for your Mortician- ‘Til death do us part, Twilight–  you naughty mortality-laced tweengasm!

When you Google search “Eros + Thanatos + Twilight” you know what comes up?


Which is absolutely insane.  What the hell, Internet?  It seems like this is the crux of the entire book series/films/cultural phenomenon.  Let’s try “Sex + Death + Twilight.”  Slightly better, but not by much. The top hit is the blog of The Institute on Religion and Public Life.  Needless to say, The Institute on Religion is not a big fan of the series.  They preferred the old days when erotic death in literature served, “as a terrible lesson to those who strayed from the path of faith-based marriage.”  Then they spend some time comparing Twilight to the Marquis de Sade.  That part is really enjoyable.  Something about nihilism and horror and sex and death being “wound together inextricably.”  Teehee.

The connections between Twilight and the Marquis de Sade are obvious.

Twilight is a simple story, really.  Girl (Bella) meets boy (Edward).  Girl falls madly in love with boy.  Boy happens to be a long standing cultural placeholder of death and the mortal dangers of sexuality (i.e. a Vampire).  EXCEPT:  And this is where Twilight author Stephanie Meyer gets her million dollar paychecks- boy RESISTS his role as placeholder of death.

“I cannot make love to you Bella, I will kill you!” **

“I will not suck your life force, for I love you so deeply and want you to LIVE!” **

**These are not from the actual text.  Although, you know, kinda.

Meyer could easily make Edward a symbol for Thanatos & Death.  Instead, she makes him a symbol for Eros.  And the tweens the world over flocketh to his temple of light.

Twilight is subtle, comfortable death denial.   It is love & life, but with death lurking, nay RAGING beneath the surface of dead man with just barely enough willpower to control it.

Bella is us, the reader.  Everything we see is through the lusty eyes of Bella.  What she wants, we want.  And what she wants is sex and death.  And Edward is just the vampire to give them to her.

Bella wants SEX.

Edward’s vampire body is cold.  His beautiful flesh is unnaturally frigid, like that of a corpse.  And yet his corpsey-ness (nope, not a word) generates a great fiery passionate heat Bella’s teenage loins.  She literally cannot be in his presence without wanting to rip off her casual button down and jump him.

Edward, of course, is equally DTF.   But- he refuses to have sex with Bella because it will likely kill her.  We’re not exactly sure how it will kill her.  Presumably his phallus of death will, I don’t know, rip her lady bit asunder with the strength of his passion (this is never really explained).

So if sex with Bella means the death of Bella, than her vamp boyfriend Edward wants to kill her like ALL THE TIME.  And he’d also like to suck her blood.  Which would also kill her.  So his conscious daily existence is one big ol’ thought orgy of Bella- destruction.

ps- Edward is dead already.  So sex with him is technically teenage necrophilia.


Bella wants DEATH.

Even though Edward makes it perfectly clear that sex with him would mean her death, Bella won’t take no for an answer.

During the Medieval Witch trials, the so-called witches were accused of having sex with the Devil himself.  In their “confessions,” they described Devil as having an enormous, ice cold member.  Yet despite this icy member, their confessions also explained that it was the best sex of their lives.  Like these wanton witches, Bella wants to copulate with death, even if it’s cold and dangerous.  To touch immortality in that way.  Sex is much hotter with the undead and super- powerful.

But it is not only her physical being that is in danger!  Bella must also think of her SOUL.  Meyer, the author, is a Mormon.  This matters because it layers on a whole new level of kinky religious self denial overtones.

Sex, evolutionarily, is something we do to produce children. As we have sex we are acknowledging that we are going to die, and that these children we’re engendering are being made to carry on our bloodline.  But what if there is no chance of children because one of the partners is dead?  There are all kinds of issues with sex for it’s own sake.

Not to worry though, this is tidied up nicely by the fact that Edward & Bella do end of having a child.  Although the question must be asked-  from whence does the viable sperm arise for this?

Viva la muerte!

Your Mortician

Alas, I found this after I had written this entry, but as a bonus gift, please enjoy this positively theological discussion on the logistics of vampyric copulation, courtesy Yahoo Answers.

Your First Time Here? Find Out More About The Order!