The Order of The Good Death

Should You Let Your Kids Around Corpses?

I was thrilled to receive this story from Michelle O’Leary-Sherman about her recent trip to Ireland to attend a funeral. Not because it’s a funeral–I’m very sorry that her aunt died so young–but because it’s an excellent story about how adaptive children are and how much of our death fears are created (or not created) when we are young.

Michelle says:

Last week, I traveled with my 6-year-old son to Ireland to attend the funeral of my Auntie who had died of cancer. It was the first time my son had attended a funeral and quite frankly as first times go it couldn’t have been a healthier, more life-affirming funeral experience for a child.

First of all, my cousins and uncle opted for a traditional Irish wake. Let me take care of a little misconception you might have about Irish wakes–the drinking. Yes, drinking is part of the experience, but getting plastered at someone’s wake is considered really, really bad form.

My Auntie was laid out in a coffin in one of the front parlors, with candles and holy water on a table next to her. The purpose was so that those coming to pay their respects could both bless themselves and my Auntie’s remains. I don’t know what, if any, embalming was done (it seemed a little insensitive to ask) but they did not put makeup on her or do any of those things that morticians do to make her look like she was “just sleeping.” She had obviously been washed, groomed and things had been done to prevent the less pleasant aspects of having a deceased person hanging around the house, but the ravages of her illness were immediately obvious. She looked like a dead person.

I did not make my son go up to the coffin and touch her (why oh why do people do that to little kids) but he did see me and other people touch her and kiss her. I told him that it was okay to be scared, but that Auntie wasn’t actually there and what he was seeing was like an old sweater that he had outgrown. Auntie didn’t need her body anymore and had left it behind. I also told him that he didn’t have to go in that room if he didn’t want to.


It took him about a day but after seeing hordes of people go in the room, sit, have a cup of tea or a glass of whiskey, chat with one another and occasionally laugh, he lost his fear of my Auntie’s body. He started to hang out in there with other people. I actually had to shoo him out a couple of times for jumping on the chairs. I could go on forever about the wake and the funeral, but I don’t want to take up too much space. Just sharing an experience that confirms to me that I am definitely in the “I want an old-school home wake like the ones my grandparent use to have” category of deathlings.

Posted on January 31, 2013 by caitlin
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  • Ultracer

    Thank you

  • Jan Adams

    Seems to me to be a really meaningful and natural way to honor your aunt’s life. I was forced to touch and kiss my great-grandfather’s heavily made-up face and I think that it left me with more fears than necessary of death and dying. Good for you in helping to normalize this process for your son!

  • Eilis

    I also want to thank you for sharing.

  • freeithink

    My mother, when she was about 14, was the appointed person to prepare infants when they had died. She told me of washing and wrapping them in cotton so the family and friends could visit.

  • Breige Flynn

    I’m Irish so I can pitch in my experiences! I was 10 when my Nana died and she was laid out at home, I don’t really remember much about it but I do remember her being laid out. I don’t know if I was scared or not. I was 15 when my other Nana died and I remember if quite a bit. She was also laid out at home and there was a delay or two in burial waiting for relatives to arrive from England. My Nana was laid out in her room and my younger siblings, younger cousins and I sat with her in the room one night til late, it wasn’t that strange to me, we kinda forgot at times there was a dead body in the room as we told stories about Nana! None of us were forced to sit there, we chose to ourselves. I think it’s good to introduce death to younger children if you can, I think if people don’t have much experience young they can be frightened of it as adults. And at the wake I don’t remember if there was much or any drinking, I do remember it happened after the burial though!

  • http://twitter.com/MemorialUrns Vaughn Balchunas

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It is a MUST to show and allow our children to confront death in a healthy way. As parents, we must guide them through the process, but not force them. They need to learn how to deal with death as children, so they can cope with it in a healthy manner as adults. I want to commend Michelle for allowing her son to confront death on his own terms, but being supportive the whole time. All parents should take note.

  • http://twitter.com/Mikjung Mik

    children should be exposed to death. It has to fit there age range! dont give too much information to a 12 year they have to absorb what death is. i think we should guide them to the casket and then let the tears flow thats how my father did it too me and it was sad but good to say good bye

  • kimmie g

    My grandma passed away at the end of May. My kids….ages 10 and 13….had never been to a funeral. My mom said they didn’t have to dress up. She told them to bring their DS games and made sure they had bottles of juice and water. They hung out in the back of the room until the actual service. My dad passed away at the end of July. The same rules applied. Its a hard enough time without making everyone horribly uncomfortable.